NEW ULM — The New Ulm St. Patrick’s Day Parade will take place on Sunday, March 17, marking the 59th consecutive year that the local Irish have brightened the lives of the local German citizenry with their infectious cheer.

The parade, the longest continuous Irish celebration in the State of Minnesota, will begin at 5 p.m. The Irish and all who wish to celebrate with them will assemble for the parade at 4:30 p.m. at Third South and Minnesota Streets near the Grace Community Church. The parade will proceed the wrong way up Minnesota Street at 5 p.m. concluding at the Glockenspiel at Fourth North and Minnesota. Festivities will continue after the parade at Jan’s Irish Pub, also known as the Kaiserhoff.

The theme of this year’s celebration is “Jig, Don’t Jog,” a reflection on the well-documented benefits of Irish dancing for one’s cardio-pulmonary system and one’s mental well-being.

This year, Dan O’Connor will serve as the Grand Marshall and his daughter, Madalyn O’Connor will be the Irish Queen. Dan and Madalyn are, respectively, the son and granddaughter of Bill and Mary O’Connor, who were among the founders of New Ulm’s St. Patrick’s Day parade.

(Editor’s note: The preceding information in this article is factual. Readers are cautioned to believe anything from this point on at their own peril.)

In the past few years, the late Bill O’Connor and Pat Kneefe have been in charge of the weather for the parade. After several years of fine weather, the 2023 parade was beset with snow and cold. It is hoped that Judge Terry Dempsey, another co-founder of the parade who passed away this past year, will be able to impose some order and get them back on track with warm and pleasant weather for the parade this year.

The St. Patrick’s Day Committee has resisted the pleas of the New Ulm Retail Association to move this year’s parade from Sunday to either Saturday or Monday, or possibly two parades on Saturday AND Monday, so that retailers could take advantage of the huge crowds that will fill New Ulm for the celebration. The New Ulm business community has long known that St. Patrick’s Day is their biggest retail day of the year, exceeding even Black Friday. But the Committee is strongly clinging to the tradition of holding the parade on the actual date of St. Patrick’s Day.

“St. Patrick’s Day is first and foremost a religious holiday,” said Committee Chairman Pat Kearney. “That is doubly so when the Saint’s day falls on Sunday. Merchants are free to open their businesses on Sunday if they wish.”

The Parade Committee is especially pleased that the Highway 14 expansion project was completed this past year. In the past, the two-lane Highway 14 has experienced massive traffic jams, with tourists backed up between Courtland and Nicollet as they drove to New Ulm for the parade. Now that Highway 14 is four-lane all the way to New Ulm, the backed-up traffic is expected to extend only to between Minnesota Valley Lutheran High School and Courtland.

This year’s parade is expected to include 148 units, a spectacle unparalleled in New Ulm, led by the University of Hanska Marching Band, with the O’Concord Singers bringing up the rear.

The parade committee is excited about the discovery of helium deposits on the Iron Range, which the committee hopes will allow for the parade to include massive helium balloon figures rivaling the Macy’s Parade. Negotiations are ongoing for television rights to broadcast the parade in 2025. Recently retired Irish attorney Mike Boyle is spearheading those negotiations and will give a full report at this year’s post-parade celebration.

In addition to the parade, the Irish have arranged a wide variety of events to entertain and educate. The annual rope-pushing contest will take place at 8 a.m. in Irish Park (German Park will be renamed for the day). The annual 5K Irish Jig will be held, starting in front of the New Ulm Recreation Center at 10 a.m. The annual Hermann the German Roll Out the Barrel Barrel Roll will take place immediately following that. Mayor Kathleen Backer will be placed in a large barrel and rolled down Center Street from the Hermann Monument.

A new event has been added this year. A Comedy Challenge will be held at Turner Hall on the 17th at noon. Contestants will try to tell jokes to an audience of Germans. Whoever can get the most Germans to at least smile will win a six-pack of Schell’s Beer. The second-place winner will receive two six packs.

Unfortunately, the lack of snow this year has forced the cancellation of another new event, a sled dog race between teams of German Dachshunds v. Irish Wolfhounds. We hope to see that event in 2025.

Believing that political discourse can be conducted without resorting to fisticuffs and shillelaghs, the Irish will sponsor a debate between Greg Bartz, the Brown County Republican Chair, and Lori Sellner, the Brown County DFL Chair, who will debate the most pressing state political issue of the season – Should the Minnesota Legislature approve the design of the new State Flag? Sellner will defend the new design approved this past year, while Bartz will argue that the flag is too blue, and that the abstract design of the state of Minnesota on the left side of the flag should be at least half red.

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, KNUJ announcer Brian Filzen will be changing his Thursday morning segment with The Old Sheepherder to an interview with The Old Bogtrotter.

St. Patrick’s Day is when the Irish release their recommendations for the betterment of New Ulm. This year the Irish are proposing that the city save money with the demolition of George’s Ballroom, when the time comes, by letting the New Ulm Battery blow it to pieces. The Boys in the Battery would get a chance to sharpen their skills with real-life artillery practice and the contractor hired to complete the job would have much less work to do.

The Irish are also proposing, instead of a roundabout at the intersection of Center and Garden Streets, that a Shamrock-shaped cloverleaf intersection be installed, using Kelly Green concrete. This would resolve the traffic issues at that intersection and also provide New Ulm with another tourist attraction. Pat Kearney has moved away from the corner, so this seems like the right time to get this project done.

The Annual Done Nothing Award is being presented to yours truly, Kevin Sweeney. “Since his retirement as Editor of The Journal last May, Mr. Sweeney has truly done nothing,” said Kearney. In addition to this prestigious award, Kevin was also admitted as a permanent member of the NU St. Patrick’s Day Committee. Despite lengthy filibusters by several committee members opposing Kevin’s application, deliberations into the early-morning hours eventually resulted in a vote because Rick Kamm needed to close the B&L for the night. In a close vote, Kevin’s application was approved. Said Kearney of these dual honors, “We decided we should have Kevin work on the St. Patrick’s Day committee next year to reintroduce some purpose into his life and keep his keen mind from atrophying any further.”

The committee is sad to report that Don Brand’s continuing push for Irish citizenship has once again been turned down by the Irish immigration authorities, despite his well-chronicled efforts to preserve the New Um St. Patrick’s Day Parade in years past. He will, of course, be allowed to consider himself an honorary Irishman on St. Patrick’s Day, like everybody else.