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Weeds: What we pass on to children

Weeds

We had our two-and-a-half-year-old grandson here for a few days. Either Pam or I was able to devote full-time attention to Levi, which was not always true as younger parents. It is a gift of grandparenting.

Children this age are highly entertaining, especially if you live in their world for a while. Simple things become great joys. An ice cream cone at Dairy Queen was a 45-minute celebration. Feeding the goose each day was a grand and risky adventure. Finding blueberries in the fridge was cause for delight. Trucks and cars are his favorite toys, and it was amusing to watch him nap with about 20 of those.

Caring for one that age is like gentle herding. As you would herd a calf or lamb to come here or not go there, you guide a small child, prodding and nudging. “Look at this.” “Don’t touch that.” “Come by me.”

Each time that we see Levi, he has added words and grasp of things along with physical growing. I enjoy watching language develop as he moves from baby sounds and gibberish to sentences and fuller ideas. At this age, he repeats a lot of what we say, especially if it is exciting. Lots of things are exciting.

Watching children grow is a pleasure. If we are blessed with children, we get to watch them develop day by day, hour by hour. In a small town, we watch along as all the kids grow. In church, at the grocery store, around town, I see new little bundles that become frolicking kids and then self-conscious teens. Now some of them have their own little bundles. So it goes. The wheel keeps turning.

Levi’s visit triggered thoughts about what we pass to children. Beyond language, there are skills: holding a spoon, putting on a coat, cleaning up. These evolve. We learn to push a scooter, then ride a bike, then drive a car.

All these are essential, but they are only a portion of what we pass on. The greater part are attitudes and beliefs. How do we approach our work? How do we treat others? How do we care for the world around us? Of course, these aren’t like teaching a child to pour milk. We do most of this teaching unconsciously. We do this by being who we are. It’s imitation, but it’s different than imitating how we fold a shirt.

These are the things that go toward character. It is complicated because each child is unique. Every new person will grow up natured and nurtured differently. Parents are amazed how two children raised in the same house can turn out so differently.

We wish we could choose the qualities we impart to our children; we would choose all the good ones. Unfortunately, their young eyes and ears are open when we are belittling or speaking ill of some group or acting out of anger instead of love. I guess this is sin; we aid in passing that on, too, sadly.

This quote from Nelson Mandela should be on the nursery wall of every hospital in the world: “No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin or his background or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”

We don’t do the work of raising up a child alone. For lack of a better word, a culture surrounds us that will raise them, too. Each of us is a piece of the larger culture. It is all of us. It was handed to us by previous generations, but constantly changes in response to societal shifts and new inventions. As much as we might want to raise our kids in The World That We Grew Up In, that is not possible.

We are part of a family culture; things our grandparents did affect our grandchildren. Certain families seem to carry certain traits generation to generation. Then we are part of a national culture. There is much we are proud of as Americans and a few things we are not so proud of. But the principals of equality and justice and mutual respect, those we want to pass to our kids.

Earlier this winter we visited our daughter in Spain. We spent time in some very old places. We walked around bridges and fortifications built by the Romans 2,000 years ago. Throughout Spain, there are great Cathedrals dating back a thousand years. One stands there amazed, thinking about the construction of these without the machines we have today. You can’t help but think the people who built these had to be smart and darn hard-working.

Did they contemplate people like me in the distant future walking around admiring their craftwork? They certainly thought about their children and grandchildren. But sixty generations hence? Certain ideas and values are even older than those walls and churches. It is a reminder that we are all part of a much longer continuum.

I take a moment to contemplate these weighty matters. But then it’s back to the present moment and more immediate concerns. Like getting the grandkid fed and dressed to go outside.

It’s natural as a parent and then a grandparent to share things that are important to you with little ones. They may or may not develop similar interests. Some of this is planting seeds that might sprout in the future. I will show Levi how to grow things as I take him out in the field and teach him farming. We’ll play catch as I encourage him to try baseball.

I took Levi to St. Mary’s to explore the church when he was here. He’s young to understand reverence, but I think he could sense this place was important to Grampa. We made our own little Stations of the Cross in the week before Easter. He came home with a small holy card and carried that around with him for the next day. I thought that was charming.

Then I came out to the kitchen and saw him sliding his holy card into a slot on the top of the oven door. Without major dismantling of the door, it will have to stay there, inside the door, hopefully blessing our baking.

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