All of us need to keep our emotions under control. Basing our actions on our feelings, to the neglect of thinking before doing or saying something, can have bad consequences.

When something is said or done, it is too late to undo the impact. Those words or actions will not be forgotten. It is important that children learn how to control their emotions. Learning emotional self-regulation is an important part of healthy child development.

Learning emotional self-regulation develops at a fast rate in a child’s younger years. The pace slows along the way to adulthood. The extent of how well one child’s self-regulation ability is learned, when compared to other kids the same age, is reported to be a fairly consistent personality trait.

Different children have different emotional regulatory abilities. It is part of their unique personalities, their individual differences.

How well a child can regulate his or her emotions and how they act based on those feelings, impacts their ability to adapt to the ups and downs in life. Adjustment or maladjustment will be the outcome.

Will they have positive development, or will it be atypical or problematic development?

Psychologists recognize that children have to learn two types of emotional control. One type is conscious, voluntary, effortful self-regulation. The second is an unconscious, automatic or involuntary self-control. Learning to control starts in the first years of life.

It starts with the parents comforting the upset infant. That gradually teaches the child to calm him or herself. The child gradually moves from external regulation to internal regulation.

You may see a child sucking a thumb in an effort to soothe himself or herself. This can occur between 5 and 10 months of age. As the child’s cognitive and motor skills develop and mature, so does the ability to regulate their emotions. The ability is generally stable from childhood to the teen years.

The ability to control and regulate emotions is related to the development of behavior problems, which psychologists call externalizing problems. When we talk about delinquency, oppositional behavior, defiant behavior, or aggressive behavior, etc, we may be seeing the consequences of poorly developed self-regulation or self-control.

Overactive, emotion-driven bad conduct behavior suggests self-regulation deficits. Researchers have found that the better a child’s ability to regulate his or her emotions, the lower the probability of problematic behavior.

Parents play a role here. The way parents react to their children’s emotional expressions, and the way the parents deal with regulating their own emotions, can be a really big deal. Research and common sense have shown that sensitive, caring responses to a child’s emotional expressions result in children having more ability to regulate their emotions and their behavior.

When mothers are warm and supportive, that will foster the child’s ability to calm and regulate him or herself. The emotional atmosphere in the home also has an impact. Parents teach by example. The home in which parents express either positive or negative emotions may be expected to produce children with different abilities to self-regulate.

A depressed or chronically angry parent, for example, will set the tone for the home. What the child sees and experiences in the home, he or she may imitate and learn as his or her normal.

The ability to regulate your emotions and have time to think before you say or do something has its roots in your very early past. We are products of our history. It is important for parents to remember that they are not raising kids; they are raising future adults.

Teaching appropriate emotional expression and self-regulation will go a long way to being healthy, adjusted, and successful adults when the children grow up.

— Dr. Joseph Switras provides clinical psychological services at United Health District in Fairmont to people age 5 and up.