Dear Annie: I’ve been with my boyfriend for 22 years. It’s been up and down, and I’ve learned to keep quiet about things that upset me. He’s never reacted well to me mentioning things or asking for help with chores. If I do have to say something because I am out of patience, I’m always carefully crafting the way I say it and trying to be as polite as possible to avoid conflict.

Sometimes I feel like a “mommy girlfriend,” and he doesn’t understand why this bothers me. Oftentimes his know-it-all attitude ruins things, and I cannot get through to him. He snaps at everything; for example, the other day he snapped at me at Wawa because my hands were full and he was trying to hand me coffee. I had to put something down to take it, and it made him mad to wait. Little things like that are adding up, and I’m losing my mind.

I’m unfortunately stuck financially and cannot just walk away for my own sanity. I feel like he’s wasted my good years, and I cannot be my true self when he’s around.

Lately, he’s been obsessing over some TikTok-ers who post satire videos of what it’s like to have ADHD. He’s now convinced that he has ADHD and that’s his excuse for his terrible behavior. After 22 years, some social media posts have him convinced.

I told him you cannot believe everything you hear and see from influencers because people are paying them to make funny and entertaining videos. Then he flips it back on me and says that I am heartless for not acknowledging he is neurodivergent. He has also started making a public show about being neurodivergent whenever he makes a mistake at work or even at the grocery store. It’s getting really embarrassing.

I tell him if he thinks this is his issue, he should talk to a professional. But again, I am heartless and I don’t understand. He has other health issues, too, and I have done my best to care for him, but he’s never grateful and never sees a doctor. He just believes everything he reads on the internet. Now he showers once a week and claims it’s better for his skin. I have had times where I politely suggested he should shower before work or getting into bed (without directly saying he smells bad), and this never goes over well.

I cannot leave because I cannot afford it. I just don’t make enough money. I have no family, we share a pet, and we have too many mutual friends. (I thank the stars we don’t have kids.) It would just be ugly if I tried.

I’m in my 40s, and I am still trying to figure out my own life and career, and every day with him not doing anything for himself is a setback and interference of me achieving my goals. We are barely physically intimate, and now I prefer it that way. Please help. — Getting Old and Going in Circles

Dear Getting Old: The first step is getting your boyfriend to see a doctor. That is the only way to find out if he has ADHD or any other mental or physical illness. The fact that he refuses to shower or seek professional help is extremely concerning.

Unless and until he is willing to get help, he will continue to drag you down with him. You say you “cannot leave,” but there are always alternatives. Find a good therapist for yourself, if at all possible. Apply to some new jobs so that you are not financially dependent on this person, and then start building the life you deserve. It’s not too late.