I frequently hear people say that someone whom they know is a narcissist. | am not sure that they are all using the same definition or criteria to make that judgment.

What do psychologists mean when they say that someone is a narcissist?

Where does the name come from?

I have heard of two versions about where the name narcissist came from. To roughly summarize them, one version is that a man in ancient Greece named Narcissus was obsessively and consistently looking at and admiring the reflection of his face in mirrors. This obsession was a punishment by Nemesis, the goddess of revenge. He had hurt someone’s feelings who was close to Nemesis, and she was angry. The extreme self-love was a punishment for his vanity and cruel rejection of others.

Ultimately, she turned him into the narcissus flower, which is currently known as the daffodil. The second version is that Narcissus was a very handsome man who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. He could not take his eyes off his reflection, so he never left that spot. He eventually wasted away and died by the pool. The narcissus flower bloomed on the spot where he died.

The point of the stories is that basically Narcissus was obsessed with and in love with himself.

He was self-centered and lacked empathy for other people. That way of dealing with other people led to the run-in with the goddess of revenge. In the second version, he focused on himself to the neglect of other people. Ultimately, he was so consumed by himself that he never left the pool. He languished and deteriorated by himself and alone because he could not leave his reflection in the pool.

This eventually became the model for people we call narcissists. These are people who are infatuated with themselves, are self-centered rather than other-centered, have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, want lots of attention, and will seek admiration from other people. They lack empathy for other people. He or she may hurt, damage, or wound the people with whom they have relationships. No problem, other people exist simply to be used. Psychologists may use the term pathological narcissism or a narcissistic personality disorder for this behavior, depending on a particular person’s behavior.

There is both a normal and a pathological narcissism. There are normal, non-destructive and unhurtful ways to have one’s self-esteem and self-concept supported and maintained. We can have our psychological and emotional needs met without using up, consuming, draining, and exhausting the people with whom we have relationships. Some psychologists see narcissism as on a continuum that ranges from normal adaptive narcissism to pathological narcissism.

Others see normal adaptive narcissism and pathological narcissism as different types of personalities. It is believed that we all have some normal narcissistic motivations and needs, but we have limits.

Pathological narcissists have a difficult time handling disappointment, or something or someone that challenges their self-image. They can become quite distressed and emotional when faced with such a threat. Psychologists also use the term narcissistic grandiosity. People may describe a narcissistic person as being conceited, controlling, or arrogant.

He or she may try to ignore or suppress any negative information that conflicts with their inflated self-image. They have to maintain a sense of perfection and superiority. They need and seek lots of admiration, feel entitled, lack empathy, will exploit others, and may think that other people actually envy them.

It is not easy being a narcissist. You have to maintain that inflated self-concept and delusional self-esteem in the face of all evidence to the opposite. You have to avoid people who do not think that you are so hot or may even be critical.

You have to seek and maintain relationships with vulnerable, weak people who will fook up to you while you exploit them. You will use them but not really respect or like them. It takes effort to maintain a false self-image, not to mention holding on to the people you may damage along the way.

— Dr. Joseph Switras provides clinical psychological services at United Health District in Fairmont to people age 5 and up.