Dear Annie: I have had a friend for many years, a person who got me through some pretty rough times many years ago. Now she is the one going through a rough time. Ten months ago, she lost a grandson to a fentanyl overdose. We live about three hours apart. At the beginning, she just let everyone know that her grandson had died and gave no details. I felt it was intrusive to ask how he had died since she didn’t offer. I figured she’d share the details when she was ready. I sent sympathy cards and notes of encouragement. When I tried calling, however, I would leave messages and get no return call. Finally, about a month ago, she answered when I called. And I was able to get the details of her grandson’s death.

She has been mired in grief for the past 10 months, posting on Facebook two or three messages every day. I want to help her but don’t know how, and I feel guilty about cringing every time I see another mournful post. It almost seems as if she is taking some sort of comfort out of her sorrow. I know it takes some people a long time to recover enough to go on with their lives, although I am sure the sorrow is for a lifetime.

Part of me wants to bring her back to reality. She has a son (the grandson’s father) and a granddaughter. I don’t know if they are going along with this prolonged grieving period with her or not, but I am sure they could use some support, too.

Last time I spoke with her, I suggested counseling or a grief support group, but she does not seem interested. I suggested she come for a visit, but she said not right now.

How do I get her to snap out of it? That sounds so cruel, but I feel it’s what she needs. Am I just a cold-hearted friend? — A Bewildered Friend

Dear Bewildered Friend: You are not a cold-hearted friend, but you are a powerless friend. You are trying to control the situation by placing some sort of a grief timeline onto her, which is completely unfair. Everyone grieves in their own way and on their own time. Know that, and give her time and space to process this terrible tragedy. Her life will never be the same. It is forever changed with the loss of her grandson, and that is tragic.

If you really want to be a friend, just continue to love and support her in whatever way she needs. Allow her to take as MUCH time as she needs to grieve. There will be some days that are easier than others for her, and part of being a friend is being there for her on the good as well as bad days. Be patient and kind with your friend and you will help her through this