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We can't deny it anymore. It's getting darker. It's darker earlier and longer. This weekend, with the time change, the darkening goes into hyper drive.
It is Global Darkening. (I know. It's half the globe. Work with me here.)
There are Global Darkening deniers. They say it is scheme of left-wing woke socialists who want us to turn our lights on. I say the evidence is irrefutable. Look out the window, you darkening deniers.
I guess this has happened before. That is little consolation. This plague of dimness seems oppressive even if it did happen a year ago and the year before that. It's worse the older I get. That's why peers of mine flee southward to catch a little more daylight.
Who can forget those glorious days of yore when we could mow the lawn at 9:00 at night? Or cultivate corn till late in the evening? I haven't cultivated corn in a long time ago, but it resides in the memory bank of old farmers.
Our instinct is to turn to our leaders for help. Every year, there are politicians who pledge to get rid of the time change and make Daylight Savings Time permanent.
That just shifts some of our precious daylight around. It doesn't get to the root of the problem. There will still be barely eight hours of sunlight by December. Any politician who can Improve on that will have my vote.
Until then, Global Darkening is upon us. We could curse the darkness. We're told it is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. The modern version of that is it is better to flip a light switch than to curse the darkness. You get the idea.
All summer, it's not a problem finding something to do in the evening. It's easy to be productive till ten at night. Then you can go inside, crawl into bed, and wake up to daylight at five in the morning and get right back to being productive. Guys have an urge to be useful. Summer gives us an edge.
Now that two thirds of our life is spent in the dark, it's hard to be useful. That is why a lot of us guys go into a funk.
I suppose it helps that we've had above normal temperatures in October, really the entire year. It makes you think something's going on. You know, like global warming. There are deniers of that. Being in the business of denying global warming is starting to look like the group who believes the Earth is flat.
As a public service to my readers, I have assembled a list of things you can do after dark. Admittedly, none of these make productive use of your time. That is what spring is for.
At the bottom of the list is sitting around watching Gilligan's Island reruns and eating snacks. You can move this slightly up the health ladder by mixing in some carrot sticks. You could also binge-watch something more current. But if you're like me, you're still trying to decide between Ginger and Mary Ann, the eternal guy debate.
You could drink beer. If you start drinking beer after dark in the summer, you'll be OK. But if you're going to start drinking beer when it gets dark outside now, it could get expensive. Both the beer and the alcohol treatment later in the winter.
Drinking whiskey is another option. I have no expertise in that practice. The couple of times I drank whiskey it didn't end well.
The extended darkness lends itself to playing cards. You only need a ceiling light, a deck of cards, and a bowl of snacks. I am not the biggest fan of playing cards. Several of my friends have tried to teach me sheephead. I don't have the attention span to follow a hand.
My wife and I do know how to play 500. If we are completely bored to tears, we sometimes resort to that. A week of ten below zero might compel us to that act of desperation.
You may have noticed snacks have made repeated appearances here. Scientists have long known that darkness triggers two urges: the urge to sleep and the urge to eat snacks. It is best to separate those activities.
That calls to mind the old saying of "not kicking someone out of bed for eating crackers." In looking up the origin of that I found that in the early 20th century, baseball hall of fame pitcher Rube Waddell was notorious for eating animal crackers in bed. Somehow that led to that phrase. Which I don't get. There's a lot of things I don't get.
Speaking of two people and long dark nights, there is that other recreational activity. I can't exactly say what that is. My editors have me on a very short leash when it comes to anything that hints at lust. So, I won't say anything more about that.
In 1971 Stephen Stills wrote, "If you can't be with the one you love honey, love the one you're with," It was probably dark out.
Sometimes on dark winter nights, I look at old Weeds columns. That can trigger a range of responses. Sometimes I think, "Hey, that's a pretty good line." On the other hand, I might think, "That was really stupid." Reading old columns is not for the faint of heart.
Insufferably long nights will be with us for a while. At some point, card-playing, binge-watching, snacking, beer-drinking, and even sex won't be enough to get you through sixteen hours of dark.
That's when I turn to a final act of despair. I turn on all the lights in the house and walk around pretending it's June.
That only works for a short time. Then I fall onto the couch in the fetal position. I have to remind myself that this too shall pass. After a while, I get up and go to the kitchen to see what snacks we have.
-- Randy Krzmarzick farms on the home place west of Sleepy Eye, where he lives with his wife, Pam.