Dear Annie: My daughter is 8 years old and was recently diagnosed with autism. She was just diagnosed at age 7, but I have suspected she is autistic since about age 3 when she used to be severely speech-delayed. Over the years, I had suggested she was autistic to my husband several times, and his responses were things like, “She’s just a little bit behind” and ,“She’s just stubborn and hot-headed like her daddy.” My concerns were always brushed off. However, he could no longer use those excuses when last year her classroom had to be evacuated due to her throwing furniture during one of her meltdowns.

Even during the evaluations, he seemed confident that she wouldn’t be diagnosed with autism, and when she was, he seemed to not take it well. Due to her growing in both age and strength, I have needed additional help with her. I am a stay-at-home mom of three, and when she has bad days, it has been increasingly difficult for me.

My husband has been working fewer hours lately and has hired a care worker to help me on the days when he is working, for which I’m incredibly grateful. Since he’s been around more, he has been witnessing the meltdowns that I have been telling him about for years, and unfortunately he has not been handling them well.

Since her diagnosis, I have attended parent training and have been doing what has been advised to me. I am patient with her and help her regulate her emotions when she is not able to self-regulate. He gets easily frustrated, yelling at her to “just stop,” or sometimes he tries to distract her with hugs or tickles (something that makes her meltdowns worse, as she doesn’t like to be touched in those moments). When I try to explain to him that those things don’t work and she can’t “just stop,” then he turns his frustration toward me. He thinks that I believe he is not a good dad or doesn’t know how to handle her, but that’s not the case.

I just have much more experience with her meltdowns and am trying to give him advice so he can handle her meltdowns better. My husband is a wonderful father and husband. He loves me and loves our kids and is a great man. How can I help him understand her diagnosis better and help him to be more confident in helping her regulate without the frustration and drama that ensues anytime I try to help? — Overstimulated

Dear Overstimulated: Many couples think that having children automatically makes them closer, but raising young children, especially one with additional needs, can be very stressful on both parents. You are doing a great job. Take a moment to allow yourself to acknowledge that. Your husband just needs to learn more like you did about how best to parent your daughter. Ask your pediatrician for guidance or groups that can help you parent in ways that will set your daughter up for success in life. Your husband is not bad; he is just uninformed. In addition, try to make time for date nights or time for just the two of you so that you can reconnect.