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Reincarnate me as a cow

January 17, 2014
By Kerry Hoffman , The Journal

After a long visit with my doctor and chatting with Steve during chores the following morning, I have come to one conclusion.

In my next life, I want to come back as a cow - preferably an adorable Jersey, if that's possible.

Here's how I came to this conclusion.

Article Photos

Kerry Hoffman

During my visit with the doctor, we discussed such mundane things as carbohydrates and cheese. We also discussed some not-so-mundane things like spinal taps. Steve came with and was asking why he didn't get numbed before he had a spinal tap a long time ago.

We talked about nutrition. The poor doctor, there he was explaining how people should consume less cheese to lower their cholesterol. My cholesterol is fantabulous. Doc realized just how horrible it was to give "The Cheese Talk" to a dairy farmer.

I don't believe I gasped when he started the talk. I do try to be open-minded, but I am not giving up cheese.

Then we discussed watching how many carbohydrates we consume in a day. Not only do I love cheese, but I live for carbohydrates. Like I am going to give up my beloved potatoes, bread, corn, noodles, candy.

I remained calm during our nutrition talk. Now, if Doc had said, "No more ice cream," things might have turned out a bit differently.

The doc also said I need to exercise a bit. I am not a big fan of exercise. The thought of it makes me want to go take a nap. I know I would

feel better if I did get my heart racing at least once a day.

I tried to argue that I milk cows for almost two hours every day and during that time it would be hard to find me standing around.

I must walk at least 1,000 steps every morning - back and forth, back and forth. My heart may not be racing, but it's working more than if I were taking that anti-exercise nap.

I can walk and talk at the same time. Does that mean I am burning twice as many calories?

Which brings me to the discussion I had with Steve Wednesday morning, in the milking parlor.

According to Steve, our cows are not milking like they used to. We milk two separate groups and each group is fed a different ration. The second group, which is close to the end of their lactation, has a mixture of feed that contains less starchy-goodness - like corn.

Steve's theory is that when we move cows into that group, their milk production drops way off.

"We need to give them more starch," Steve explained to me.

Lucky cows. They could care less if someone feeds them more starch which, scientifically, is a delightful carbohydrate.

Another advantage a cow has over us measly human beings is she doesn't have to exercise. In fact, what a farmer really wants to observe is his or her cows relaxing in the barn, chewing her cud, looking like she is in La-La Land. (Did you know cows can be in such a thoughtless zone that we literally have to touch them to get them to move? They curl up like a dog and zone out.)

The more a cow lies around chewing her cud and dreaming of perfectly-green pastures, the more energy she will put into milk production. In this case, being called a day dreamer is a good thing.

So there you have it. My reasons for wanting to be reincarnated as a cow. I won't have to exercise, cut carbs from my diet and I can have my cheese and eat it too.

For questions, or comments, e-mail me at kahoffman@newulmtel.net.

 
 

 

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