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From the Farm

Stop the emissions

June 18, 2010
By Kerry Hoffman

I have read quite a few magazines lately, so I don't recall where I read about the tofu chicken, but it upset me.

Some company has perfected the manipulation of soybeans so much that they have come up with a tofu product that highly mimics chicken. I looked at the picture of this new creation and it looked like chicken, supposed to taste like chicken, so it must be chicken.

But it's not! It's soybeans.

Article Photos

Kerry Hoffman

The company is creating a meatless chicken, isn't what has me up in arms. If people want to eat tofu chicken, more power to them.

It was one of the reasons the company was so excited about having created this manipulation of tofu. (If I could insert eerie science-type music here, I would.)

Apparently, this company felt they were helping the environment by undertaking this project.

From what I remember, a comment was made that they were helping to eliminate gases being emitted into our clear blue skies from chicken, pig and cow butts.


Yes, they were confident they were helping the environment by eliminating animal farts. Give me a break.

I have never even heard a chicken pass gas. I haven't been around pigs, but I can only imagine what their gas smells like. Unfortunately, I have been around when a cow releases intestinal gas, and it's not pretty, nor does it smell good.

What's next?

What about dogs? Wow, they rule the world when it comes to stealthy, silent-but-deadly attacks.

Well, I am not going to go into the human aspect of this environmental concern, but shouldn't that be considered when it comes to protecting the environment. I know, some of those winders smell like roses, as some proclaim, but others call for extreme ventilation.

What about those landfills humans have created? Years ago, former Brown County Planning and Zoning Administrator Jane Starz told me the pipes emerging from the ground on the top of covered land fills are for "land farts." I kid you not. (She didn't like it too much when I used that quote in my story.)

That's methane gas coming out of the ground!

I just don't understand why animals have to take such a bad rap for a bodily process that has been going on for millennia!

What are we going to have to do?

Put Beano in our livestock rations?

How are we going to prevent humans from lifting a cheek?

Should farmers quit growing cauliflower and almonds? I know those have a devastating effect on my intestinal tract. People that take on the all-powerful colon cleanse tend to eat a lot of roughage and I have also been told that it's hard to live with your spouse when going through such a cleansing process.

You'll want to take the blankets off your bed, for fear of the almighty fluff, or being held hostage under the blankets after one has been released from captivity of its inner sanctum.

Gosh, someone tooted in the cafeteria at work the other day. He, or she, should have been given a written warning! That one probably disintegrated a half-inch square out of the ozone layer.

Seriously people.

Don't we have bigger and more concerting things to worry about than animal farts? People outnumber cows, pigs and chickens by the millions.

Let's get our priorities straight.

I'm out of here. I need to go move my stocks into the company that manufactures Beano.

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