Off the Record: It doesn’t hurt to ask
I know you haven’t heard from me in a long time, and I know this is kind of last minute, but I thought I’d give it a shot. It doesn’t hurt to ask, right?
I haven’t written to you in 60-some years. That’s partly my mom’s fault. She never tried to fool us kids into believing in you, probably because her own mother had her buffalloed until she was 12. Also, for the most part my Christmas wants have been simple stuff I could easily get for myself.
But this year I want something special for Christmas, something I don’t know much about, something I’m not sure where to go to get it. I figured you might cut me a break, considering I haven’t been bugging you all this time.
Santa, this year could you just bring me one little thing — a bitcoin? It won’t take up any room on your sleigh, because bitcoins don’t really exist in the physical world. they are just a little strings of 1s and 0s somewhere in the Internet. You could just upload it to my hard drive, it you want.
I know they are kind of expensive, but that’s why I want one. Besides, and all the other kids are getting them.
I know bitcoins were valued up around $20,000 or something ridiculous recently, though I did hear that their value dropped a few of thousand. But they are only going to go up and up and up, right? So if you got me one now, it would be a lot cheaper, relatively speaking, than waiting to get me one next year.
Santa, I have been very good this year. Well, pretty good. Oh, all right, I could have been better. But at my age it’s too much trouble to be naughty, you know.
But I promise that if you bring me a bitcoin, I will be very, very, extra good next year, and I will treat the bitcoin very carefully, not like that toy submarine you brought me in 1957. I could have sworn it was made of metal.
We’ll put out milk and cookies for you, and we’ll be sure to put the dog in the basement, so the coast will be clear.
Kevin Sweeney has been the managing editor of The Journal since May 1985. A native of St. Paul, he worked at newspapers in LeSueur and Albert Lea before moving to New Ulm. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.